"I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.” – Nadezhda Mandelstam
It’s ironic that this was the quote on my daily calendar today. It’s ironic because I woke up today feeling sad. Actually, I've been sad for a little while now.
Most of the time I just try to ignore it and pretend like it's not there. I thought about writing about this sadness, but kept asking myself what the end-point would be... I kept wondering how I could write about this topic without making it super depressing. How could I turn this topic into something positive instead of something negative?
The truth is, I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’ll have a positive spin at the end of this post like most do, so I’m just going to “scream” and maybe someone else will be able to relate to my “scream” and not feel so alone. Here we go. Unfiltered. Trying to get pregnant sucks. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. And, taking a pregnancy test is like a rare form of torture. It’s not fun or magical right now, like that ClearBlue commercial tried to make it out to be. No one ever warns you about how tough TTC can be. Most people don’t talk about their TTC journey. So when you do see their pregnancy announcement it seems like it was “easy.” Like it came without frustration and tears. In reality, I don’t think this is the case for most couples though. Then, on top of this, I feel guilty about feeling sad about not being pregnant yet. Because I know we haven’t even been trying that long compared to what some people have gone through. I feel like I don’t technically have any right to complain at this point. But, "technicality" doesn’t help me. I still feel sad about it. And, then I feel guilty for feeling sad... But, most of the time, I just act like I don’t care about getting pregnant. I put up mental walls and pretend like I’m not “really” trying to get pregnant (even though I am), because if I’m not “really” trying to get pregnant then I can’t “really” feel like a failure each month. But each month that feeling of failure creeps right back in. Month after month. On repeat.
I think a lot of people struggle with TTC. We just struggle in silence. No one ever screams about it.
So, here I am. Screaming.